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A new year means that I have to make changes...Right?

After ringing in the New Year at work, I was convinced my year would continue in the same way it began; With LOTS of work. And that little gut feeling has yet to be proved otherwise.
This semester has seriously kicked my butt. AND IT'S ONLY THE THIRD WEEK!!!!
It really does seem as though ALL of the professors got together and figured out a way to make my life (and probably yours too) more difficult to manage.
Besides the whole new school-kicking-my-ass part, the new year has brought a few other changes to my life. I've made a few really cool friends (that I intend to keep around for a while). And on that note, I've also figured out who my "real" friends are and who was just hanging around cause of certain circumstances. And to be honest, I was a little disappointed in myself for taking so long to realize this.
Another change: I got yet another roommate. I seriously must be cursed. I haven't had one roommate stick around the entire academic school year my three years at school. But my new roommate is actually really cool! I enjoy our little conversations. And to think that I spent the entire winter break worrying about getting a bad roommate.

Family wise, I've learned to separate myself from their crazy lives. And it turns out that the less I involve myself, the less stressed I am. But it means that I've talked to my lovely sister less. That girl means the world to me and I feel terrible for not staying in contact with her as much as I used to. I just hope she knows I still miss her every single day.

I guess that's it for now. I hope you're year has started off well.
Till next time,
-Angela

OMGZOMBIES

Starting in October, I've noticed that there has been an increase of Zombie loving people.
I am one of those crazy people.
I honestly have no idea why they are sooo fascinating though, I just enjoy watching them and shooting them. (:
A group of us up at school played a campus wide game of Humans vs. Zombies.
THAT WAS FREAKING EPIC.
Then some of us from that group got together on Sunday nights to watch The Walking Dead.
Also, pretty epic.

But recently, I've been playing Left for Dead 2. And boy was that the best idea and the worst idea I have ever had. I have played soo much of it that when I see random people walking in the streets at night, that my first instinct is to "SHOOT IT". And a couple nights ago, I actually dreamed that I was in the game shooting things...ooyyeee. On the other hand, I have TONS of fun playing the game for countless hours.

So there.
Now the world knows that I am addicted to zombies.
(:

The (un)Clarity of Life.

Some days, life just makes more sense than others.
As if you woke up early in the morning and knew exactly what you were supposed to be doing the rest of the day.
And some other days, you have no idea where life is taking you.

Sometimes I just feel like I do all of this planning to try and organize my crazy life- for nothing. As if all of this work and planning is just another way of me just dreaming while I'm awake. As if I wake up and feel in control of my life, just to realize later that I truly have no control whatsoever.

I hate this feeling.

I'm the type of person that needs to know what I'm doing 5 steps ahead of where I'm at. I usually have these steps all planned out. But it never seems to me that I end up following these steps. Something always happens that makes me have to sit and re-evaluate my life to create another 5 step plan.

I wish I didn't have to do this so often.

Can't I just wake up in the morning and know exactly where life is taking me? It would honestly save me sooo much time, stress, effort, and emotions.

This morning, I woke up to the voice in my head telling me that I needed to get up, something is about to happen today. So here I am. Awake and trying to make something happen.

The truth: There is no such thing as clarity in life.

Just letting you know...

"Just letting you know...
that even if you see me smiling on the outside,
doesn't mean I haven't been crying on the inside.
No matter how hard I try,
this smile is still a lie.

Some of you may think that I am cold,
at least that's what I've been told.
But I promise you that you don't understand.
so please hear me out and see where I stand.

Just letting you know...
that just because you see me laughing on the outside
doesn't mean that I am not dying on the inside.
And no matter how hard I try,
I can feel a part of me die."

When faced with decisions about the future, what do you do?

I look into the future, and think about what I want to see happen. I don't make impulse decisions, I think through them as carefully as I can. I try to imagine what would make me feel the most satisfied with my life. Then make a decision.
I plan everything out. So that there are no surprises.
But life, yes, life has it's way of changing, evolving, and maturing. And when it does, there isn't much we can do about it at all. The only thing to do is to except the fact, smile, and hope for the best.
It's all that I can do.

You see, I can't just "go with the flow" my entire life. There are things I can do that with, and things that I can't do that with. My future is one of the things I can't take easily.

I just feel that so much of our lives have already gone into making us the best possible future we can have. I also feel that every decision I make today, effects how my life will be in the future. And I want the best possible future I can have.

Now you know why I do things the way I do. I consider my options, plan everything out, choose the best choice, and proceed to take action. All I hope is that people don’t judge me for the things I do.

So how do YOU make YOU’RE decisions.

An Emotional Dump

Have you ever felt as if the only person you can count on was yourself?
But then realized that you couldn't even do that?

That's where I'm sitting at RIGHT. NOW.

I just can't explain how it feels to be me right now.

Lets just start with some details from the beginning.
Ever since I could remember, I've been an overprotected, under experienced, under exposed- girl all of my life. Essentially, I've never felt as though I've seen the world in person. To really immerse myself into things. To see, feel, remember things. But I want to.
Then in high school I was the "happy", "smart", "cute" and sometimes "weird" girl. Smart? Maybe. I still never feel it even though I get told I am. Cute? Definitely don't believe it. Weird? I'll believe it. And I loved being that way. But happy? No. I can't say that I've ever been genuinely happy. 

The things I've been put through in my life have created a mask. At first, I used this mask and pretended to happy when I was actually in pieces inside. It was as if I woke up in the morning still sad, upset, frustrated or whatnot just to brush my teeth, get dressed, put on this mask, and prepare for another day at the theatre. I guess I was pretty damn good at it too, no one saw through it. And gradually, the mask became a part of me. I could wake up in the morning and feel nothing even if I'd fallen asleep crying the night before. I could go to school with this artificial smile on my face. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to really be happy. And when I think I do, I have to stop and think “how do I know this is real?” or “can I honestly be happy?” never knowing if I truly was.

This mentality has stuck with me till now. I can’t tell you that I’ve actually been 100% genuinely happy. I still can’t tell. But I think I’ve come closer to happiness.

However, I can tell you that I know how love feels likes.
Being a girl that didn’t feel much love as a child, I quickly grew fond of anyone and everyone that made me feel cared for and loved. As bad as that may sound, I have figured out how to separate the people that really do love me from the people that just abuse the word. Believe me when I say that I stick to the people that I love. I hold them tight and try never to let them go.

Recently, I’ve felt as though I’ve been challenging myself.
I know I shouldn’t say this but a thought was planted in my head a while back that has made me think:
“Do I try something new? Or stick to what I know I have?”
“Do I keep doing what I’ve always done? Or do I go out there and figure what else there is that the world has to offer?”

These questions fire through my mind more than any other question ever has.

As of right this minute, I don’t know where I’m going yet.
I honestly LOVE where I am now. I’m safe, cared for, am loved and am able to love in return.
But before I settle, I sort of feel as though I need to know if this is what’s right for me. Is that so bad? I think so.