Just letting you know...

"Just letting you know...
that even if you see me smiling on the outside,
doesn't mean I haven't been crying on the inside.
No matter how hard I try,
this smile is still a lie.

Some of you may think that I am cold,
at least that's what I've been told.
But I promise you that you don't understand.
so please hear me out and see where I stand.

Just letting you know...
that just because you see me laughing on the outside
doesn't mean that I am not dying on the inside.
And no matter how hard I try,
I can feel a part of me die."

When faced with decisions about the future, what do you do?

I look into the future, and think about what I want to see happen. I don't make impulse decisions, I think through them as carefully as I can. I try to imagine what would make me feel the most satisfied with my life. Then make a decision.
I plan everything out. So that there are no surprises.
But life, yes, life has it's way of changing, evolving, and maturing. And when it does, there isn't much we can do about it at all. The only thing to do is to except the fact, smile, and hope for the best.
It's all that I can do.

You see, I can't just "go with the flow" my entire life. There are things I can do that with, and things that I can't do that with. My future is one of the things I can't take easily.

I just feel that so much of our lives have already gone into making us the best possible future we can have. I also feel that every decision I make today, effects how my life will be in the future. And I want the best possible future I can have.

Now you know why I do things the way I do. I consider my options, plan everything out, choose the best choice, and proceed to take action. All I hope is that people don’t judge me for the things I do.

So how do YOU make YOU’RE decisions.

An Emotional Dump

Have you ever felt as if the only person you can count on was yourself?
But then realized that you couldn't even do that?

That's where I'm sitting at RIGHT. NOW.

I just can't explain how it feels to be me right now.

Lets just start with some details from the beginning.
Ever since I could remember, I've been an overprotected, under experienced, under exposed- girl all of my life. Essentially, I've never felt as though I've seen the world in person. To really immerse myself into things. To see, feel, remember things. But I want to.
Then in high school I was the "happy", "smart", "cute" and sometimes "weird" girl. Smart? Maybe. I still never feel it even though I get told I am. Cute? Definitely don't believe it. Weird? I'll believe it. And I loved being that way. But happy? No. I can't say that I've ever been genuinely happy. 

The things I've been put through in my life have created a mask. At first, I used this mask and pretended to happy when I was actually in pieces inside. It was as if I woke up in the morning still sad, upset, frustrated or whatnot just to brush my teeth, get dressed, put on this mask, and prepare for another day at the theatre. I guess I was pretty damn good at it too, no one saw through it. And gradually, the mask became a part of me. I could wake up in the morning and feel nothing even if I'd fallen asleep crying the night before. I could go to school with this artificial smile on my face. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to really be happy. And when I think I do, I have to stop and think “how do I know this is real?” or “can I honestly be happy?” never knowing if I truly was.

This mentality has stuck with me till now. I can’t tell you that I’ve actually been 100% genuinely happy. I still can’t tell. But I think I’ve come closer to happiness.

However, I can tell you that I know how love feels likes.
Being a girl that didn’t feel much love as a child, I quickly grew fond of anyone and everyone that made me feel cared for and loved. As bad as that may sound, I have figured out how to separate the people that really do love me from the people that just abuse the word. Believe me when I say that I stick to the people that I love. I hold them tight and try never to let them go.

Recently, I’ve felt as though I’ve been challenging myself.
I know I shouldn’t say this but a thought was planted in my head a while back that has made me think:
“Do I try something new? Or stick to what I know I have?”
“Do I keep doing what I’ve always done? Or do I go out there and figure what else there is that the world has to offer?”

These questions fire through my mind more than any other question ever has.

As of right this minute, I don’t know where I’m going yet.
I honestly LOVE where I am now. I’m safe, cared for, am loved and am able to love in return.
But before I settle, I sort of feel as though I need to know if this is what’s right for me. Is that so bad? I think so.

The reason why I am here:

Recently, it seems as though my life has been a little crazy. But with school, life's never not crazy.
I'm learning something new everyday.Whether it's from a class, about someone else, or about me. 
Things never seem to stay the same. 

Every single time I start to feel safe, something I learn comes in and stirs things up.
I wish I could make things stop; even if it's just for a minute.
I just need to take a minute to catch my breath, my thoughts, my feelings.


Often enough, I find myself wanting to share something with my close and personal friends via facebook. But I've begun to feel as though Facebook is not a place I can go to share my thoughts anymore.
There are just some people out there that make things uncomfortable to share.


So that's sorta why I am here.
Hoping that I can begin to share things with my friends again.
But this time in a place where I can be more open.
And in doing so, hopefully I'll be able to clear my mind more often.


If I know one thing's for sure;
A clear mind makes for a brighter, more genuine  smile.
And that is what I need.
To see some more smileeez.

Peace, Love, and Bright-Smileeez!
-Angela