An Emotional Dump

Have you ever felt as if the only person you can count on was yourself?
But then realized that you couldn't even do that?

That's where I'm sitting at RIGHT. NOW.

I just can't explain how it feels to be me right now.

Lets just start with some details from the beginning.
Ever since I could remember, I've been an overprotected, under experienced, under exposed- girl all of my life. Essentially, I've never felt as though I've seen the world in person. To really immerse myself into things. To see, feel, remember things. But I want to.
Then in high school I was the "happy", "smart", "cute" and sometimes "weird" girl. Smart? Maybe. I still never feel it even though I get told I am. Cute? Definitely don't believe it. Weird? I'll believe it. And I loved being that way. But happy? No. I can't say that I've ever been genuinely happy. 

The things I've been put through in my life have created a mask. At first, I used this mask and pretended to happy when I was actually in pieces inside. It was as if I woke up in the morning still sad, upset, frustrated or whatnot just to brush my teeth, get dressed, put on this mask, and prepare for another day at the theatre. I guess I was pretty damn good at it too, no one saw through it. And gradually, the mask became a part of me. I could wake up in the morning and feel nothing even if I'd fallen asleep crying the night before. I could go to school with this artificial smile on my face. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to really be happy. And when I think I do, I have to stop and think “how do I know this is real?” or “can I honestly be happy?” never knowing if I truly was.

This mentality has stuck with me till now. I can’t tell you that I’ve actually been 100% genuinely happy. I still can’t tell. But I think I’ve come closer to happiness.

However, I can tell you that I know how love feels likes.
Being a girl that didn’t feel much love as a child, I quickly grew fond of anyone and everyone that made me feel cared for and loved. As bad as that may sound, I have figured out how to separate the people that really do love me from the people that just abuse the word. Believe me when I say that I stick to the people that I love. I hold them tight and try never to let them go.

Recently, I’ve felt as though I’ve been challenging myself.
I know I shouldn’t say this but a thought was planted in my head a while back that has made me think:
“Do I try something new? Or stick to what I know I have?”
“Do I keep doing what I’ve always done? Or do I go out there and figure what else there is that the world has to offer?”

These questions fire through my mind more than any other question ever has.

As of right this minute, I don’t know where I’m going yet.
I honestly LOVE where I am now. I’m safe, cared for, am loved and am able to love in return.
But before I settle, I sort of feel as though I need to know if this is what’s right for me. Is that so bad? I think so.